I hate surgeons, surgery residents, OR, scrub nurses and anything surgery related including Trauma rotation I am doing. Doing q2 sucks. Up for 24 hours taking care of drunk idiots who decided it was a great idea drunk driving is not my idea of fun. If you have to come to the Trauma Center after drunk driving at least have a pneumo or two so I can put chest tubes and get my numbers.

To the freaking nurse in the trauma center - I didn't learn how to log roll in medical school. It is not rocket science, I will get the hang of it in a day or two so leave me the heck alone and please go color that eyebrow/eyelash of yours, all that blonde makes me gag everytime I see you.

Residency is a bitch. I am depressed. I love doing what I do, I just do not see myself getting at a place where I should be considering it's been 2 years into residency. To start with I sort of bombed the inservice. I didn't think it was the end of the world until some people (and people who sort of matter) took it upon themselves to ensure that it did feel like the end of the world.

I have two choices. To brood over, repent, be sad, feel depressed and basically question every single second of the day I am seeing patients if I am in the right field. To wonder if I am meant for this? Am I cut for this shit? Or to follow my heart, my hard work of years, tough it up and make every effort to go through the challenge I have decided to put myself through.

It is not a nice feeling to question, "Did I put these sutures right?" or to know that CHF patient gets Tridil, Bipap, ace-i but be sort of lacking in the pathophysiology of why. I mean I know I am reducing preload or improving mortality it's just that I want myself at a more intricate level. I guess I know how to do a lot of things. I just don't know a lot of why I do it. I don't like this feeling of being unprepared and inadequate.

Five years of undergrad + four years of medical school + two years of residency, I really have come this far. I've got two more years and then I am out, I am done. I hate this sinking feeling when I feel I just may not be able to pull it through...

We met 12 years ago!

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Here,

We've been married for 1 whole year exactly a month from now!

Not all of those 12 years we were in love, but yes I did have a major crush on babu moshai from day one of college as my brother announced during his funny toast at the reception.

I have never written about my wedding day. I get overwhelmed with feelings. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I smiled so much my friends asked me later if I was drunk. "Who gets drunk at their own wedding silly?" I have asked them numerous times.

I planned every little detail of the wedding. From flowers to the wordings of our invitation. From seating arrangements and table orders to the menu. From cake to the order of the ceremony. Even Pandit ji followed my little cheat sheet during the ceremony. Wedding program to directions. Our first song as husband and wife to the timing of the toasts and speeches and cake cutting. I mean I really wanted it to be perfect. I would come home post call from 24 hour shifts in the ICU at the hospital and instead of going to bed I would go to the Mandap lady and discuss the layout of the Mandap background and pillars. It was all worth it in the end. We enjoyed our day and so did our guests. We gazed in each other's eyes all night and danced in each other's arms deeply in love. Closer to the end of the night DJ played the song that babu moshai had initially suggested to be the first dance ' Tere mere sapne'.

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I may not get a chance to write this closer to our wedding anniversary itself as I will be doing 24 hours on and 12 hours off shifts at the trauma center. Even though I will be working, I guess I'll just be happy to know I've got myself a good man.
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Why can't I rewind and have my wedding day all over again? Someone should invent a button for that.

I was watching the new season of Housewives and man what a way to feel inadequate about yourself. I mean many people will dismiss it as bunch of baloney but there is something about those women that makes you, well at least me, miss not having the finer things in life that they seem to enjoy. And I am not talking about money. Their children go to the best private schools, are multilingual and are basically priviliged.

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When I was growing up, there was the income of a single working parent to run a household of six. Two grandparents, one of whom was sick, had medical needs and no one had medical insurance back then in the country. Two kids who went to public schools, the housewife mom and dad who was out working trying to make ends meet. The closest they ever came to buying books was local comics or regional children's magazines.

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I enjoyed reading yet I never read books outside of school text primarily because my parents never had that little extra cash to spare on non basic needs. I would read the English Gulmohar Reader and Hindi Bal Bharati which used to be part of the CBSE curriculum within two days of starting new semester at school because it had stories. I loved stories. I remember going to school book fairs a few times and that feeling of happiness is surprisingly fresh in my memory along with the disappointment of not being able to take anything home. I mean I read abridged versions of Shakespeare in class ten as part of school curriculum and that's pretty much how far I went as far as reading goes.

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Looking back at those years of life and I wonder how it would have been had I read more. My written skills would have been better for sure. If I ever have to be in a conversation regarding books I would probably feel very uncultured. Even though it is not something I am ashamed of, I do feel embarassed about it. I mean every now and then when I read the blogs of others who have the little sidebar of books they have read or are reading I wonder how wonderful life has been for them. They had someone in their family who had the ability to introduce them to the pleasure of books. I am secretly angry at my parents for not knowing to encourage me to read.

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I can afford to buy all the books I want now but I barely have the time to read. I mean funnily I DO read a LOT, how else would I be a doctor, just not the kind I have always wanted. I know exactly what to do in seconds if someone were to drop dead in front of me, I just wouldn't have anything to contribute if they were to come back from dead and have a conversation with me about books.

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I guess I would never want to trade my childhood memories of afternoons spent reading Champak and Chaha Chowdhary , it was a great time while it lasted. Maybe I would have better luck with my children. Boy do my unborn, unconceived children have pressure already or what?!

It was bad enough to be suffering from gastroenteritis, URI and conjunctivitis last week in the peds ED and this week I accidentally stuck myself with an 18 gauge needle of a known HIV and Hep C patient on the adult side...

...antiretrovirals are making me sick to my stomach, my vacation next week to the beach resort is ruined and I am totally FREAKED OUT. Even though the risk is so minimal there is always that "what if?"

My 79 year old grandmother has been asking for the ballot paper to be brought home so she can vote and practice her citizen rights. So over the weekend when I was visiting her I asked,

Aap kisko vote karoge? (Who you going to vote for?). To which she replies,

Mein aurat ko vote karoongi (I am going to vote for the woman).

So I was proud of her 'all power to the woman' attitude and asked her, "Aapko uska naam malum hai?" (Do you know her name?)

Yes, she said, "Clinton ki aurat." (Clinton's woman).

Can I just say oxymoron?